Diary Index

mood:
latest entry at: 11:35 PM
comfort: video
listening to: oneyplays

welcome to my diary index! here features personal blogs and wtv what i've been up to!

microblogs are found thru the tumblur

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Wednesday, 8th of October, 2025.

i've been feeling so dissociated towards everything, i hate how much someone's mental state can effect me at this big age. shit just leads to me overthinking on how i can prevent it for them, or how it can effect me. it feels so fucking stupid on how much i rely on the future, like i'm doing wayyy too much for something so little. i don't want to worry abt it so much. whatever happens, just happens i need to stop thinking abt the many chances that something could be easily prevented.
now i feel like i'm doing too much w this dumb bullshit what fucking ever i'm watching a how to make ravioli video fml i can't wait to eat this shitty mood away. nonetheless i start working in 2 days, i hope this feeling doesn't last too long. i just hate it when everything gets so awkward and quiet, i come out of my room and expect to not say anything cause one mf in the house is mad at someone in the same resident, shits so dumb and depressing to normalize.
idk i don't want to think too much w it now, they've been talking for a bit but one of them has been sleeping upstairs, which again SHOULDN'T BE SMTH TO DWELL OVER it's just past memories that i'm dragging to the present. it's been two days since it's been like this and this usually lasts for like, 5 days or less, so i really hope everyone gets happy soon, i hate feeling like this

Tuesday, 30th of September, 2025.

i haven't been doing NOTHING but update this website and play roblox zombies for the past week, i have art block so effing bad I WANT TO DRAWWWWWWW MY BODY HATES MY IDEAS I SWEAR another thing it's so fucking hot out, and that distracts me so much, i'm legit pouring out sweat everywhere (DOESN'T HELP THAT I EASILY SWEAT FML FML) i got accepted to the job i've previously mentioned, they haven't been sending anything to me, in fact, i had trouble getting accepted in the first place for some odd reason, i wonder if me not getting anything is connected to that problem.
the more i get reminded abt roleplaying, the more desprate i get I MISS IT SO DAMN MISS IT'S HIGHK #EMBARRASSING!!!! i wasn't all abt the serious ones, i've always sticked to the crack ones that just creates lore for some reason sigh i miss when i was such a teenage loser that just did shit for fun and not feel that gut wrenching feeling while doing so, cause i would feel wrong!! man wtv tho, tbh i just added this section bc i didnt want to end this diary entry short *lol* nothing crazy has been happening, maybe i should fucking ball already and gain my art skills back i need to lock tf in

Wednesday, 24th of September, 2025.

oh my goddd i want to show off my fandom ocs so much and make friends so that we can make our ocs have interactions.. i'm too scared that i'll overdo it and that i'll sound really desprate (ig i am but a part of me would get overwhelmed w some praise, if that makes sense)
man this has been an ongoing problem for me, since last year (and possibly mid 2023) i've been so repressed and anxious sharing my ocs cause i'm just so used to making the content for myself and not really for my friends that genuienly like my characters. i feel so bad, but my gut would always pain me to even share abt them the slightest bit. and i know EXACTLY why i feel like this.
this deserves context of why/what i'm feeling how i feel right now, and i hate to get personal :^^^ but i won't lie, i wasn't the best person to be around w throughout 2019-2021, especially 2019-2020. man, awful times, and if i get into it here, there'll have to be a lot of unwrapping cause i was that irrational and insensitive, while interacting w other people who were the exact same. something that i've kept noticing was that everytime i would share oc art, the same people would say horny things abt it (mind you i was like 12-14 during all of this, some were either the same age as me, or 16+) and didn't see it as a problem and my suicidal, attention STARVING ass wasn't concerned abt that. it just cringes me out so hard on how inappropriate i was in front of a *lot* of followers at the time. such a terrible influence for an audience, jesus fuck
worst part, i was VERY social abt expressing my ocs/art to irls as well, but my online persona was way more damaging than how it started to effect me irl since so many people HATED how i responded towards their genuine concern over me LAWL my pessimistic ass didn't want to listen to *any* disapproval that was rubbed onto my face, and as mentioned before, the stuff i did were quite questionable for a 12-14 year old to do for 2 years and a fucking half, i don't know how i was able to keep up w all of that stupid shit. guess you can say it was simpler and more fun w the people who didn't hate you for what you were doing.
ever since i realized how i've been treating my realest friends beside me, i dropped the fandom and the people that ruined the fuck out of my way of expressing myself, and turn over a new leaf. i still shared my ocs here and there cause it hasn't hit me yet on how much those expereinces would drive me paranoid from this point. those times don't only just damage my pride of my ocs, but heavily on my social skills as well. it's so fucking hard to keep up w this constant fear of somebody reconizing who i once was for a long waste of time. i don't want to unintentionally repeat the same problems i did for a first impression of myself, i kept everything to myself but now that's becoming a problem.
i try so hard to use my mental strength to tell myself i was just a dumb kid that didn't know better, and i should focus on the present, and that it's ok if people don't like/care abt my existence. people have better shit in their brains, and i should accept if someone w the exact same interests as me were to not friend me back! as pathetic being an independent dweller is, i'm just glad there's people who know i'm a good person, not entirely lawful, but just enough to know that i'm chilling now, i don't want to get involved in ridiculous "drama" anymore
so much hollering to prevent myself from posting what i want to share lawlawl ex dee peroo no se, if i feel like it's post-worthy then i'll share it so people can love my stupid mind!!! that makes me supa friggin happy so really, there isn't nothing to hesitate abt! i'm doing it for my sake, for what i should've been doing

Saturday, 20th of September, 2025.

first attempt at making a diary entry here! man where to even start here.. i mean so much things are going to happen soon! i'm going to have a REAL job interview in 3 days, i'm going to have to help my parents with bills and such — by the looks of it, it doesn't seem too awful but MAN. transporting to my new possible job is going to be HELL fs (don't have a car + i could use a bike but that seems way too risky to go from my house to a 30 minute driveway)
OH and uhh i've been thinking about getting back in contact w an ex friend, but now saying it like that idk cause, he makes these decisions that just get insufferable to keep up w him. he's quite hypocritical too, which, ticks me a lil i just really miss the guy, that's my only reason right now but the cons are so huge, i can't gloss over em
nonetheless, i've hopped on some fandoms of games i've started playing, and i swear, everytime i do, i change into a whole new person bc of these characters i get attached to //// the lisa rpg series got me sooo fucked up, i've been binging koth (king of the hill), been on the metal gear solid grind (i've known mgs since i gained consciousness but never got into it #MissingOut) i NEED old men yaoi injected in my veins. old man yaoi so good i made an oc for it JEJAJAJA.
i'm also into ouran host club cause i've been dyinggg to watch this show ever since i got into the internet (cough cough PRIME Y2K AMVS) i finished the anime months ago BUT BET YOU DIDN'T WATCH OURAN HOST CLUB WITH YOUR MOM!!!!!! one day while helping out at my mom's job, we had nothing else to do so i asked my mom if she wanted to watch ohs w me, which she surprisingly said yes to :DDD her fav out of the hosts is honey senpai!! mine is either haruhi or mori C: watching the scenes w the twins and your mother besides you is an.. experience, tbh i had to explain a lot of things to her since THIS DAMN ANIME has a LOTT of questionable shit going awn..
after july 12th happened, adult life seems neutral, the way i expected it to be. it def feels weird not going to school and just to be stuck at home, reading fanfictions, drawing some faggy shit for myself, then burn out on everything. def a lot of time ahead but if i'm going to be honestt i haven't been productive abt it.
i love weed but i also hate it lol it makes me so lazy but godd does it make me forget abt embarrassing things. sometimes it even helps w my social anxiety, though not always sadly. that's sort of my biggest goal as a young adult; be connected w people i end up liking! esp art moots that share the same interests.. i cry into the toilet bowl everytime